The Nut Case

October 11, 2007

--- In khushdc@yahoogroups.com, "Daniel" wrote:
>
> Hi Praveen
> Welcome to DC. Only Ninad is the nutty person in the group. The rest of
> us are much more boring. ;p
> Dan

Welcome Praveen and all ye who moved recently to DC but unlike Praveen, were too shy to announce their arrival. I think Dan is being extra modest and humble. I am indeed nutty, but everyone else isn't much more boring; they are only just a little more boring. The difference is one of degree than of unkind.

I tried hard for years and years to be non-nutty, since nuts were high-fat and therefore bad, bad, bad. But now study after scientific study confirms that nuts are good for health, since they contain good fats, vegetable protein, vitamin E, un-nameable substances and whatnot. So then I had to spend months and months working hard to get nutty. After all, it's best to do what's good for health.

I love to be complimented, but I do get offended if someone slights me. If I see an insult being hurled at me, I promptly hide my face in a turquoise silk veil and retreat into a sad corner. My detractors say that I get all defensive, but hey, what's wrong about being defensive? One has to do what one can to salvage oneself. My detractors are now saying that I'm getting all defensive about being defensive. Just ignore them.

A case in point: I have two dear fiends, Atharva Statin and Simha Statin, who love to rub me the wrong way as often as they can. Atharva is the more potent and aggressive one (so my pet name for him is Libidor), while Simha is his weak and sleepy fraternal twin (I call him by the pet name Zznor). Their last names used to be Srinivasamurthy, but they shortened and simplified them to Statin.

Simha's first name was Narasimha, meaning male-lion, but he was like, "I don't need to announce to the world that I'm a man. Isn't it obvious when people look at me?" Atharva was like, "Yeah, right!" Pleased at his twin's approval, Narasimha dropped the prefix Nara, and announced it by emailing his family and friends, "Just call me Simha, or Loin." Simha is no good at spelling, and his spellchecker never even purred - let alone roar - with disapproval at Loin. After all, spellcheckers don't yet catch Freudian slips...

But I am digressing. Libidor called me "Nut-Case" the other day. I was deeply offended and took immediate umbrage. I use plastic or metallic boxes to store nuts, and people use all kinds of boxes - square, rectangular, circular - even shapeless garments - to store said objects. Imagine being called a jewel by your loved ones, only to be called jewel-box by your fiends. How insulting is that!

Now, I'm not thin-skinned or anything. Libidor agrees and says, "Yeah, right." Call me monkey, donkey, pig, etc. and I take it as a compliment. But if anyone calls me a sofa or a chair or a table, I get quite offended. I once had a heated argument with Libidor and Zznor. "You chair!", cried Zznor. "He's such a sofa", added Libidor. I couldn't take it anymore after they tabled those insults. Being called an animal is one thing, but being called a piece of furniture is quite another. I stormed out of their home, and drove back to my own home in freezing rain at 2.30 am in the night. Enough was enough.

Even bullshit has its limits!

--Nutty Ninny